Death to Aureline: What's In A Name?

An ambitiously thorough reflection on changing my Twitch username.

RIP Aureline ?/?/2012 - 11/11/2021 (twitch.tv/aureline → twitch.tv/darlene)

I came of digital age in a time when sharing  personal details about yourself online, much less your name, was unheard of. We now live in a society where handles become brands, brands become identities, and identities are as personal as the clothes you wear. In that spirit, it gives me great pleasure to re-introduce myself:

Howdy! I’m Darlene. You may know me from my life. 

If you know me as Aureline,  I’m sorry for your loss.  

We’ve come full circle. I used to grieve when people called me Darlene and not Aureline. The only Darlenes anyone knew were a great-aunt, the lady who cut your hair, someone from church, or all of the above. I’m lucky to be named after a family member. She’s the greatest Darlene. I’m proud to have her name. But it took time to get here. 

Leaving Aureline behind will be odd after years of half-hearted intros and feeble corrections on pronunciation. Twitch taught me that the internet populace does not pronounce things how you may think. I won’t tell you how it’s said, but final tally is about 50/50, somehow. My channel visits would cause an anxiety twofer. (1) oh God, Twitch Staff —(2) how do I say your name??

(In contrast, upon visiting a new channel after the change, the Creator immediately burst into “Jolene” by Dolly Parton. This is pretty much the reaction I’m looking for at all times.)

So, in celebration of a simple channel rename, here’s more lore than you could ever ask for — no seriously, way too much. Read on, and you’ll learn where the name Aureline came from, what I’ve tried to wring from it, and what it yielded me. Through this reflection, I have come to see how names can be crutches and shields, and how that isn’t mutually exclusive to identity.

Over the years, I realized the identity of Aureline was built around reactive or defensive fragments of hobbies and interests. I cared about the pronunciation, but not enough to correct people. I cared to be called it instead of Darlene in certain settings, but not enough to insist.  It mattered to me, but not enough to be a bother. This tepid sense of self came from feeling shut out from the things I thought I wanted to be a part of. 

My first dnd character was called Aureline De’Savreux, a Toph-adjacent gunslinger with an Iron Kingdoms fake-French name. She wielded dual rune-etched pistols, had a “pale, heart-shaped face”(?) and wore an armored trenchcoat, the weight and practicality of which escape me. The first and only time I played her was at 19, in college, among friends. I had a 23-year-old internet writer boy staying with me from Texas.  I got blackout drunk sucking down screwdrivers unsupervised. I punched a doorframe and bruised my knuckles and yelled at my roommate about how much I appreciated her (yes, exactly like the woman-yelling-cat meme). Although I was safe, at my apt, among friends, the result was gruesome. I fucked off all classes the next day and blew through a gig I had been looking forward to: camera op for a TEDx talk in Chicago. 

I really liked the character and name Aureline, and would go on to explore her world via prose. I cut my teeth writing collaboratively online with the homies, and had been game to try dnd. Vodka detour aside, that first session taught me that dnd simply isn’t my cup of tea. All my Fix-Me DMs out there, I beg you to absorb that and move along. The Venn diagram of people who refuse to accept a writer can dislike dnd and also say Aureline wrong is roughly a circle. I would spend years defending myself at intervals. I’d love to hear all about your campaign, but please don’t ask me to join. No, really. 

Around the same time of Aureline’s First & Only Adventure, I began showing symptoms of the terminal disease known as League of Legends. Even though I didn’t care for dnd, I still liked the name Aureline, and her story. Aureline became my Summoner Name. Before I knew it, I was spending my free time playing LoL pretty much exactly at the formative point where I was supposed to be focusing on screenwriting and broadcast production.  

As luck would have it, I managed to graduate despite missing the TEDx show, and powering through my early onset gamer diagnosis. I even landed a media job right out of college. (Eat your heart out, Flashpoint alumni placement rate.) 

For my post-college gig, I was an archivist and broadcast production coordinator for a media company on its way off of analogue and entering the digital age. My responsibilities included auditioning and preparing radio and TV programs for master. While I did work on live shows and tapings, the majority of my time was spent converting old VHS and radio shows to digital — which meant being alone in the dark with a computer, tape deck, and secure vault storage. 

There were days where I’d spend +6-7 uninterrupted hours auditioning old sports programs and interviews. During this time (due to my League of Legends affliction), I’d browse Surrender @ 20, r/lol, Leaguepedia, and other resources. At some point in 2012-13, I stumbled upon IEM Katowice on Twitch. I ate it up —  the crowd, the stage, the cameras. Hearing the IEM theme (Proper Villains remix of Heartbeat) for the first time sealed the deal. Reader, it was all over from there. Holy fuck!!! You can COMBINE video games and broadcast?? 

Around that time, I was already writing LCS coverage for Absolutely Legends as Aureline, later for Leaguepedia. I even wrote a small feature on the first LCS split that Riot Abhorsen read, responded to, and treated seriously. At the time that was the highlight of my young stupid life. But after IEM Katowice, I wanted more — I wanted to work events. 

I happened to catch the WellPlayed Cup on Twitch, and shot the production company a cold email looking for work. They got back to me. I joined WellPlayed as a gopher to start, but I knew I could bring value to their live events — and I did! In a pivotal moment for no soul but mine,  I was asked what name I wanted to go by. Darlene, I answered, going for what I thought to be professional. I would spend years kicking myself, wishing I had said Aureline.

The WellPlayed story could fill a book, but it’s not my story to tell alone. In short, there were good years and long show days before our CEO demonstrated a disgusting breach of trust. In those golden before-days, WellPlayed had the privilege of collecting some esports “firsts.” We were the first to skin sponsor logos on Summoner’s Rift. We were the first to have fly-in game stats and do it well. WellPlayed talent got absorbed into Riot. I can think of 3-4 folks still there today who are thriving and I wish them well. Riot contracted us to deliver online qualifiers for PAX, and even the first NACC (North American Collegiate Championship, now CLOL). If I sound proud, I am. I was paid to work on my very favorite game, and the overall consensus continued to be that The Work Was Good, and as a result, The Work Kept Coming. As a result, I briefly dared consider the potential reality of … Riot Aureline..?

You know what they say about pride. The drive I had for my two biggest passions in life, esports and film, entered cryofreeze in front of the Riot hotel at the 2015 NA LCS finals in New York City. After an amazing evening of KBBQ, friends, and a LAN, I was alarmed to find our Riot contact could not seem to keep his hands off of me, despite having a girlfriend at his own admission. We sat in front of the Riot hotel after the show at Madison Square. I didn’t want this dude touching me, but I was broke, young, and I wanted to work at Riot. I was meeting Riot staff left & right with LCS talent Rivington and ZionSpartan present nearby. At that stage of my life, telling him to stop did not exist as an option. That is the potential power of game publishers if you’re a young grassroots organizer. What I remember most vividly is being nuzzled and touched while trying to hold a conversation with an idol of mine at the time — Seth King (@AchiliosCasts). In another life, this dude made YouTube skits with pals. Those skits were a blueprint for me in high school to create and upload that kind of content with my own friends. That creative outlet was a big part of how I ended up at the school where short-lived Aureline the Gunslinger was created in the first place. I’m glad I got to meet him, but I can’t shake how gross and humiliated I felt in the middle of what felt like God and everyone. 

The reality is not a soul but me probably remembers that night. I’m sure no one saw anything. Ot would remember me there.  But I sure do. 

I was already on the road to disassociation from esports. Less than a month later, our CEO would exhibited disgusting behavior at a Hearthstone tournament we ran in Dallas. At that time, I was guilty of believing a series of lies: (1) that the worth of the women on an esports broadcast is tied to their bodies (2) that it is the responsibility of the woman to keep herself safe in a male-dominated environment (3) that I should even slightly consider staying in contact with anyone I know who had hurt others or made them feel unsafe. I had compressed this experience in New York with this Riot employee into accepting that the esports world wasn’t for me, based on my experience and those close to me. And then in the years to come, my parents would pass away.

I wish I could enjoy Arcane. I wish I could enjoy Worlds. When it comes to being part of the League of Legends fandom, I feel like a real Darlene Downer (sorry). Make no mistake, I still spend money and time at the altar of League of Legends under the name Aureline. I still feel guilty and shamed over something that happened almost 6-7 years ago that no one but me remembers, that wasn’t even my fault in the first place.

I believe I have excised those aforementioned lies. If I could go back in time, Darlene would tell Aureline what she knows now — that guy can’t do shit to you. If you tell him to fuck off, he better fuck off. No one can teach you agency if you don’t find it yourself.  And, separately, back your friends up when it counts, dummy.

Over a period of time, I came back to an esports industry that had matured in many ways, but maybe not all. When I started at my most recent esports company, I was eager to go by Aureline in almost all contexts. I worked with some great people. I no longer work at this company. If you know of which company I speak, I urge you to look at their ridiculous recent social media statement, and hear me: I wish their statement extended to non-white or female employees. If you would like to know more, please contact me at any time. I’ll tell you everything I saw, heard, knew, and experienced.

If you’re still hanging with me so far, you have my thanks. Now that I’m Darlene, we’re on a first-name basis. So. Let’s talk. 

Let’s talk if your background is in esports, I want to hear from you — especially (but not exclusively) if you identify as a woman. Let’s have conversations about how we can elevate each other and how important it is to uproot our own biases and drive change. Let’s connect about startup experiences. Our experiences and our voices matter. I would not be the person I am today without a strong network of friends and peers to rely on in this way. Most importantly, Let’s Make Cool Stuff. 

Let’s talk if you like to make music, let’s get together! Send me your stuff if you make it! Let’s vibe it out!

Let’s talk if you enjoy film, screenwriting, playwriting, or any form of  visual storytelling. Let’s connect! 

Let’s talk if we have a mutual friend in grief, have lost a loved one, if you’re a fellow orphan. Everyone processes these situations differently of course — if it helps you to talk with someone, I’m here.

Let’s talk if you are someone of faith just trying to scrape it along.. Although I cannot imagine how you could have possibly found this post, hi? Let’s talk about how you got here first actually.

Let’s talk if you enjoy Bionicle, Teen Titans, Law & Order SVU, Naruto (probably) or making fun of James Bond. If not and you still follow me, you might as well add those terms to your muted words.

And lastly, let’s talk if you write in any capacity. I hope you will find me writing more at this very location. I am always seeking more writer friends to shoot the shit and kill darlings with.

No matter if you have known me as Darlene, Aureline, Usha, Sato, bionicmime, oddsoul, late for dinner and you’ve finished reading this — wow. I don’t deserve you in my life. Time and time again I have let grief overwhelm me and cheerfully resigned myself to death. I even have a funeral doc planned out just in case. I have deleted everyone I know from all platforms, I have deactivated and reactivated Twitter. I have done my best to disappear but alas, I persist. This is thanks in part to people like you. You have been with me through a lot and I don’t deserve you. My heart’s desire is that this small, infinitesimal account name change will mark the moment that I begin to create something worthy of you.

Thanks for reading, 

Darlene